Das Bootie

It's becoming clear that we can no longer ignore the curious trend of ankle boots, especially when the cuteness factor getting pretty high, and double especially when my partner, Ms. Lohan, and I just discovered today that we recently purchased the EXACT same pair (read on to find out which!). It's just that I'm confused: what in the name of all that is holy does one wear with them, besides a miniskirt? Pants is just a waste, and I guess you'd have to really find the exact right dress (any suggestions?). So I guess with fall coming up, I guess it's skirts and tights, baby, tights and skirts. I can live with that. For those about to rock the ankle boots, I present: booties and the beasts (sorry).



Hey, what's that sound? I think it's a bootie call! Well, helllllooo, little red-hot slouchy leather number with a tiny kitten heel! Where you from? Bakers? Does that even exist in New York anymore? I dunno, but I might just drop the 90 bones it'll take to get these suckers, which also come in a bunch of other (more boring) colors.



Bakers also has this nice foldover platform bootie for $129.95. Plus has the added bonus of fulfilling your fashion-given need to have stuff that is gray this fall. Looks uncomfortable, though. To be worn only if your bootie is lounge-bound, I'd say.



Bakers rips off Tara Subkoff. Not really feelin' on these booties but every bootie is different. Some girls like a big, fat, bow-tied bootie. $89.95 for a piece a' that.



If you gave me $455 for a pair of these round-toe suede booties, by Tara Subkoff, in red or trendy gray or, really, any color, I'd totally shake-shake-shake, shake-shake-shake, shake my bootie for you. While mooning you. With the boots on. And let you put the vid up on youtube. Oh yeah. My paypal address is cat at catherinespita dot com. See if I won't!



If you like the round-toe thing (and I kind of think it's almost mandatory for ankle boots, for some reason), here's a more affordable option: These NaNa suede booties with somewhat odd piping, $113.95.



I have another rule about ankle boots, which has remained unexpressed, till now: No oxford-ish versions, and definitely no lace-ups. Schoolgirlish and ugly and horrible. The exception that proves the rule: This additional Tara Subkoff bootie, on sale for $247.50. Somehow, she just makes it work. The bulbousness of the heel is disturbing me, though. It's like the shoe thinks you'll be constantly bending your knees in athletic-squat fashion. What are you thinking, pretty shoe?



Meanwhile, this purple Dolce Vita bootie, $157.95, thinks it's riding on the back of hog, the wind in its hair, cool as all hellfire. Which reminds me of a t-shirt I saw this weekend upstate at a Harley/Red Cross benefit. The gentleman's chest read (and forgive me, I'm paraphrasing): "Some like the wind in their hair. Others can't get enough of the open road. Me, I just like the BOOBS IN MY BACK." (Emphasis t-shirt's. I sorta got a kick out of that for some reason.

Okay, the suspense is over. With apologies to Blowfly, here's what caused both of your humble fashion bingers to get on the bootie bus:



They are by Payless. Yes, that is how we roll. $24.99, bitches. I showed these to my boyfriend and he pronounced them "elfin" after an amused pause. I thought they might be a bit too Williamsburg and/or boring. Plus, I already have a pair of elfin leather flat boots, but it seems like those wanted to be ankle boots the whole time. So I purchased them. Thank you Payless!



A more squared-off version can be had almost equally as cheaply at Delia's. $39. Has anyone ever bought shoes at Delia's though? I have not. In fact, I don't know if I've ever ordered anything through a non-Web catalog. True fact. But these look like a good "basic" bootie, if you will.



Back to awesome, and not merely acceptable, shoes. Slouchy asymmetrical bootie, R183.95, by some brand called Report. The leather looks weirdly shiny, but I guess that's what "free shipping both ways" is for.



Love the lines on these Kenzie "tulip" round-toe wedge booties, $113.95.



And the detailing on these Moschino Cheap & Chics. Yep, I'd tap that. If I had $495.



Now we're moving into questionable territory. Could these possibly be used as rain boots, or are they just too out-there? Whatchoo think? I kinda think they're funky. Palladium patent-leather velcro booties, $114.95.



And what about these Merona surfer-inspired "elf" boots lined in fleece? Great in cold weather, no? I think they are totally cute, but not sure I'd think that when they're in my closet waiting to be worn. And really not sure they're worth $119.99.



We have rules for a reason. Urban Outfitters loses its mind, $150.



Baci tapestry boot, $78.95. Not bootylicious at all.



Bakers gets it tragically wrong, $79.95.



Recently Ms. Lohan noted that she "usually likes Irregular Choice." Interesting statement, considering these monstrosities. Irregular Choice buttoned booties, $127.95.



They also made these red white and blue snowflake knit things. To see all of their craziness, click here.

And that's all the bootie beauty this beholder can stand. Are YOU on the bootie bus?

Go Jim Belushi All Over Your Ass

I am ALL for charity and its relative causes and events. And I'm not shallow enough to support ONLY fashion-related charities (I mean designers, brands and stores that raise funds for altruistic purposes, not sales that raise funds for starving fashionistas or something). I understand why those with the means to do so might buy fashion memorabilia or paraphernalia whose proceeds benefit charities. Now. That said, I do NOT understand why ANYONE would bid on a pair of jeans autographed by Jim Belushi.



I don't understand for the following reasons:

1.) No one gives a shit about autographs.
2.) No one gives a shit about Jim Belushi.
3.) Levis Relaxed Fit 550 are total Mom jeans.
4.) It's Jim Belushi. No one gives a shit.

I'm OBVIOUSLY against domestic violence, but this whole campaign is so arbritrary and ill-conceived that it makes me want to lock myself in my apartment and punch myself in the face. Additionally this is ironic since Jim Belushi was once accused of assaulting a guy in his (Jimbo's, that is) own home.

At least this online boutique PARTIALLY redeems itself by carrying the very wonderful Freedom of Choice jeans.

Five Cute Tops Under $Five-Oh, Tops

Ok. I'm practically FLYING (sans liquids!) out the door, but would I leave you post-free? Hellnaw. So, here you go. Five cuters tops under fiddy bux.

($45, April Rose, lolaymaria.com)
Reminiscent of Mary Quant.


($39, LaRedoute.com)
Love the metal hardware. Total kinky librarian piece.


($28, Chucklescentral.com)
Wear this to your last freakin' picnic in the park.


($48, Free People, SouthMoonUnder.com)
A wee bit pricey for a turtleneck, but it looks more tunic-esque and appears quite versatile. High marks all around!


($25, InCraftWeTrust.etsy.com)
I'm not generally very earthy (though I do recycle, so just BACK OFF!), but this is too lovely and designy to pass up. And it's handmade by a clearly talented etsy-er. And no, I don't know her. I'm just being nice. And you should be too, so buy this!

Five to Grow On

Like myself, Pez dispensers and what will certainly be Cheyenne Kimball's career, this post is short and sweet.

I present you...

Five Summer(-ish) Sale Items

1. Pink Studio Margaret Orange Pumps
(A WTF-inducing mere $36, Pink Studio, berkstore.com)

These adorable pumps have stripped away everything I hate about wedges (the wedge), taken everything I love about the color orange (everything) to create one PERFECT summer shoe! And the saintly folks at Berkstore priced them at only $36!! SMASHING!

** BREAKING NEWS ** I totes just ordered these, and they have FREE US five-day shipping! Seriously -- they were ONLY $36! Whut?

2. Sweety-sweets Tux Top
($29, not sure, Shopintuition.com)

Three cheers for this absurdly high-clizass shirt at a sticker price that's decidely low-rent! And what's even less morts: you can wear this summer shirt straight into fall.

UPDATE: This top is now, unforch, sold out (thank you Leanne for the alert!), but check out this very similar and very cute top instead!

3. Grey Jeans
($99, Blue Cult, Shopintuition.com)

Mayday! Total fall jeans at summer prices! To be sure, a hunny is a lotta scrill, but not bad for a pair of jeans which, trust me here, will add some sass to yer ass. I'm gonna ride the grey jeans trend til my fave pair get holes all up in the thigh area. NOT that that's ever happened to me or anything.

4. Totes Pineapple Tote!
($10, Amici, amiciaccessories.com)

This tote is totes cuter than Macaulay Culkin when he did that ridiculously overexposed hands-on-his-cheeks-Oh-face thing. And mark my words Betties, pineapples are the new grey.

5. Solid Gold Circle Necklace
($39, Yochi, MaxandChloe.com)

Buy this and hang onto it, because soon after the Sienna Goes On Beach Holiday! nautical resortwear trend dies, you'll still be able to rock this bitch with a black sweater and pencil skirt and look every bit the elegant gal you know and I know you can be. (When you try.)

Ten Dreamy Summer Dresses (to Drive Out This Dreadful Season)

How happy am I that summer's almost over? I know you probs wanna smack me for saying so, but I hate the summer. Everyone’s all like "blabbity blah, the beach rules!" But honestly, unless you live at one, you inevitably only end up going MAYBE three times if you REALLY put your back into it. Otherwise you spend 100+ days wiping away layers of sweat from your face and fighting frizz. But that’s just me. Fall fashions are superlatively better than summer. Duh hickey! NEVERTHELESS, before summer’s done, I will humor you sun-loving, in-line-for-melanoma people with ten last-minute summer dresses. I consider them last-minute since sweaters are showing up in stores already, and truly, this shit can't end soon enough.

Let's begin with the obvious...

Wear this...

To the beach
($29, Ben Sherman, SmartBargains.com)

To brunch in Park Slope
($306, 12th Street by Cynthia Vincent, Amazon.com)

On the L Train
($202, Spring & Clifton, Cocosshoppe.com)

To a backyard Tupperware party
(Approx $47, Betty Jackson.Black, Debenhams.com)

To an evening wedding
($425, Nanette Lepore, eLuxury.com)

Poolside at the Soho House/ YMCA
($106, Mara Hoffman, activeendeavors.com)

To the farmer's market or to work (or to work if you work at a farmer's market)
($192, Vivenne Tam, eDressme.com)

To a heaven & hell party
($290, Eskell, couturecandy.com)

To your boyfriend's family reunion
(Morts)


And finally...

On your couch, watching a Saturday marathon of "The Hills"
($1393, Matthew Williamson, Brownsfashion.com)

Lastly ... RUN, don't walk to your nearest new browser window! You only have ONE DAY LEFT to bid on Tori Spelling's used pajamas! Happy bidding!

Attention New Yorkers! Awesome Sale Alert!

Lovers of real vintage and reconstructed vintage, get thee to Mulberry and Houston. You will see a sign for the Zachary's Smile "attic sale," you will go down the steps, and then you will find racks and boxes of great stuff, most things $25 and under. You may also find a very tall black drag queen in hot pants, and Manhattan moms yammering away on their cell phones, but only if you're lucky like me. I got a sweet Fifties-ish dress for $30, and a cute pencil skirt for $15. I passed on a red-and-white crochet dress that would be perfect for Santacon (because yes, I am already thinking about my Santacon outfit) because I didn't feel like feeling like a jackass trying it on. But I might go back! Recommended!

Shoes For You to Barf On

As wonderful as wonderful shoes are, I almost enjoy looking at bad shoes better. I went hunting for the ugliest out there so you can rest assured that no matter how lackluster your shoe wardrobe might be, at least you haven't hit rock bottom. Herewith, the worst of the worst. Roll video:



Dudes, did Jessica Simpson wear these recently? You know you can so see these pink abominations on her feet. Ugh.



For $34.99, you could have seven highly caloric grande Frappuccinos, three tickets to the upcoming Body Count (with Ice T, in case you were wondering) show at the Knitting Factory, a cruise around the isle of Manhattan, a scary mannequin head to decorate your apartment with (who would do that? me? no!), and yet as stupid as all of those things are, they are not as stupid as these horrible Baby Phat wedges.



Did you know that the lovely Heidi Klum has bewilderingly attached her name to the most prominent name in ugly shoes, Birkenstocks? Oh yes. There is a whole mess of ugly shoes "styled by" Heidi Klum, some with horrendous lyrics by her husband printed on them, such as the Wall of Kiss clogs, $228.95. Holy effin' fug, look at them all!



Wild Life Textile sneaker, $479.96. A bit much to spend on your four-year-old niece, even if they came in kids' sizes.



Green bejeweled horror, $287.96.



Jelly Birks, $228.95 plus the cost of your dignity.

Speaking of clogs (sorrrrta), I am going to go on the record here and state that they are never okay. These especially:



I just don't even know who is the kind of person that would wear these embroidered furry things. I know even less who is the kind of person who would wear them who would also spend $390 on them.



Ack! No! Do not combine sweaters and horrid shoe types! Definitely do not go and then add insult to injury with lame-o silver studs. Just leave well enough alone. Dr. Scholl's cable-knit clogs, $39.95.



This needs no explanation. Striped mitten boots, $49.95.



Another mind-bogglingly bad combination: beads and clogs. Offensive enough on their own, but put 'em together and bam! You're ready to go square dancing at the dumb-folks' home. Not worth $27, I promise you.



So I hate clogs. But if there's a type of shoe I hate more, a shoe that I believe even more fervently should never grace the feet of any self-respecting woman, it's the driving moccasin. With so many cute flats out there, why? BCBG Max Azria moccasin, $142.95. (Although, the more I look at them, the more I think they might be kinda cute with jeans. What's wrong with me??)



Those of you who think Marc Jacobs can do no wrong: think again! Hundred-dollar jellies. Right.



And again! Hot pink patent-leather pumps, $253.95 I better not see you blowing.



Yet again! Crazy fur-striped boots, $598.95. Someone get me my smelling salts.



Now, I'm all for color, the brighter the better. But for the love of rainbows and unicorns and leprechauns, not all at the same time! This seems like it belongs on a 15-year-old Tokyo girl, and on her it might work. On you, ugs. Adidas sneaker boot, $129.95.



'Member what I just said about color? Exhibit B! (For barf-worthy...) Rainbow sandal, $145.



These are like those unfortunate open-toed sporty sandals that men wear, except they're blue and white and for women. No excuse. Skechers sandals, $38.45.



I will end with one of my pet peeves, the basic black slide. I wore these things back in the late 90s too, when I thought I needed to wear business casual and I shopped at Express. I don't do those things anymore, and neither should anyone else! Please, ladies. It's not necessary. Steve Madden slides, $1.99 (for a reason!!).