Hot Spring Trend (In My Mind): Boca Bubbe Sandals

($83, Office.co.uk)

I'm thinking this summer I'm gonna go full-blown Boca Bubbe. And these delightfully tacky metallic sandals are a step in the right direction, nu? And look at you. You should eat!

Binge Lust: Office's Grey Patent Platforms

Ridiculously high, absolutely impractical, completely want!

(Apprx $109 USD, Office.co.uk)

They remind me of the red patent Lanvin heels I want, but way, way cheaper, and slightly less FM-i-er in grey!

Who Was Drunk On The Job At Giuseppe Zanotti?

($854, Giuseppe Zanotti, Zappos Couture)

Christ in a cupboard. Aren't these just the perfect portrait of subtle serenity? Like a swan on a placid fucking lake.

Even the description of this shitstorm of a shoe is a runway train of excess: "Iridescent metallic leather upper with a patent lip detail on the heel quarter and a croc print patent strap on the vamp."

Also, there's a jeweled buckle. If you hadn't noticed.

Less horrible but also questionable:

($132 USD, Office.co.uk)

Eeeesh. Of course, after that Giuseppe Zanotti farrago, anything looks decent.

($124, Office.co.uk)

Or, instead of buying this obscenely overreaching, potentially crippingly AND tacky wooden wedge heel, you could save your money and just split a log in half, hollow it out, and stick your foot inside. Voilà! Free shoes!

Silly Tranny! Silver Shoes Are For Girls!

(Apprx $44 USD, Office.co.uk)

These metallic Keds-like lace-ups are listed in the MEN'S section of Office.co.uk. Really? Surely there must be some kind of mistake here. Is this TRULY what you UK laddies are wearing? I sincerely hope not. No boy should be wearing metallic shoes unless he's got a cane in his hand a top hat on his head.

YSL Stella Star Sandal: You Could Pay More, But Why?

YSL's much-blogged-about Stella Star sandal -- $335, Bergdorf Goodman

Versus...


($29, Office UK)

Just another reason why the British "Office" is way better! And seriously, $30 is about as much as one should pay for a shoe so obviously trendy that it's over by the time you've finished buckling it.

Things I Need to Own Right This Minute!!

Let's cut to the chase for lots of indie designers, cheap shoes, hot black jeans to make your ass look even hotter, and a classy one-piece bathing suit:

($44, Rotter and Friends, Bonadrag.com)

Reminds me a little of Built By Wendy. I love the simple '70s-style line drawing on heather grey. More Rotter and Friends here.

($438, Knox, Bonadrag.com)

Nevermind the fact that this Knox bag, by Brooklyn designer Jessica Maxcy, looks like it weighs about 30 pounds alone. I still love it. Check out her Romanov bag too.

($216, Moss Mills)

Horsey cuff by Moss Mills (really Korean designer Hae.) I can't decide if I like it better in brass (pictured above) or gold. It's pricey but use discount code "lucky" for a whopping 30% off! Woo!

($75, Whitehorse Couture, Singer22.com)

Speaking of horsies, this vintage-looking oversized neon tee by Whitehorse Couture looks like the type of top you won't want to take off for days.

($154, Hudson, CoutureCandy.com)

Hudson Jeans' new Stella Skinny Poplin jean in black ties it all together. Bonus: they're STTTTRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEETCHY!

(Apprx $27 USD, Office.co.uk)

Cutey cute cute little bowed flats from the UK's Office (the shoe store, not the show.)

(Apprx $29, Office.co.uk)

Ahoy, sailor! Cute little casual anchor-print espadrilles. Kinda Sanuk-meets-Toms, which is actually a good thing in this case.

($14, Fred Flare)

I personally can't sleep with a sleep mask on, but were that I could, I would so wear this. The gold piping and blue satin remind me of those creepy royal puppets who'd crawl out of Mr. Rogers' walls to visit him from the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

($21 for the top, $21 for the bottoms, Asos.com)

Forgive the fact that it's a knock-off of a suit seen on Paris Hilton -- I love the bright colors, simple style and dip dye.

($158, Carmen Marc Valvo, Bloomingdale's)

With all that kitsch, I had to throw in something classy and cool, like this Carmen Marc Valvo bandeau one-piece in lavender.


PLUS:
+ Check out newly overhauled site, The Vintage Society.
+ Shop for (some) cute stuff at Unique-Vintage.
+ Admire all the pretty pretty beauties at Grayburn.
+ Watch this crazy lady from Big Brother nearly unload one over the idea of eating a cookie.